Why I write 2

So I just read a draft post I wrote a few months back but never published.  It's titled "why I write," but is a little too honest and personal to post... so here's round 2.  Maybe it wasn't too personal, maybe just too depressing?  Everyone has their bad days but everyone else doesn't need to hear about them right?   Plus I just don't trust the internet that much...  Do you?  Does anyone?  Or do you just not think about it?  Once you post something it's out in the interwebs forever...a reason for not wanting to publish what i write- you never know when it will come back to bite you in the butt.  Writing in a public sphere makes you vulnerable to scrutiny, judgement, misunderstanding-whether it's in a blog or a book- so another reason for not wanting to publish.  Yet here I am, writing another post to publish.

So, am I writing for the benefit of readers or for myself?  Once I finally sit down and write, I always feel better afterwards, but that doesn't mean I need to share it.  Do I even have readers? If not, maybe it doesn't matter.  Then why do I feel compelled to publish what I write on the internet for anyone to read?  Maybe it's a habit to share my writing with others- I've actually had 3 relationships that basically began and flourished through writing- mostly emails.  So is that why I write, for comfort or validation? Am I hoping that by sharing my personal thoughts and stories that I may be able to help someone out there be inspired?  Or maybe it will just help me by the act of writing it and sending it to the nether?.  Am I hoping that someone will give me advice with my "issues" and that's why I need to share?  Maybe. I've never had a therapist... Or maybe writing provides the space for me to see my thoughts more clearly and give myself advice?  Or gives me a sense of camaraderie with folks who have similar experiences?  Is it that I want to see what other people think about my thoughts and experiences?  Or is it that I want to feel connected to others beyond my small little bubble of comfort?  Is it that I feel a need to conquer a hidden fear of being ridiculed for what I think or believe? Where is this pressure coming from to publish my writing?  And what am I afraid of if I do? 

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I like writing. It helps me reflect on my experiences and learn new things.  I would like to get to a point in my writing where I can feel confident writing what I think and how I feel without being ashamed or afraid of what my readers will think. (Again, do I have readers?  Maybe I would if I wrote more often).  One thing I know is that I  am able to communicate more clearly through writing.  So there you go--one  practical reason for writing.  Expressive writing is said to be emotionally and psychologically beneficial, and can even provide health benefits according to the journal "advances in psychiatric treatment" (http://apt.rcpsych.org/content/11/5/338.full). Reason number 2.  And apparently I want to be a writer, something I found out through guess what?  Writing.  There you go, at least three legitimate reasons I feel the need to write.  Yet I don't do it very often.  I'm not consistent with writing in a journal or blog even though I really enjoy it and see the benefits. 
 
So why DON'T I write?  Especially if I know it will benefit my well being and health?  Probably the same reason I eat a cookie even though I know it's not healthy- self-discipline, or lack thereof. Sometimes it's nice to indulge for a moment, feel luxurious, carefree and disconnected from the consequences of my actions.  Just be in the moment and don't think about anything else.  But that's not quite true--sometimes I escape writing by watching a movie or reading instead--so maybe it's the opposite reason.  I eat the cookie because it tastes good and it's easy to do; I don't write because it's hard-- it takes effort and forces me to look at things that aren't always as appetizing as a cookie may be.  Sometimes it's hard to face reality and it is usually a whole lot easier to escape and not think about what you can do to make the world a better place or take responsibility for your actions or think about what you can do to make yourself a better person, a better girlfriend, a better supervisor, a better employee, or a better friend....Now we're getting down to it. 
I don't write because it forces me to be with myself, in the moment; to confront myself in reality with all the raw truth, emotions and experiences that are sometimes painful to deal with. Now we're getting somewhere.

 So here's what I've learned through these ramblings:

• I am afraid of being made fun of for what I write or what I think (pretty sure this is rooted in deeper fears and insecurities that stem from experiences in childhood--that one will take some more time to deal with).  I make efforts to write despite this fear-- thus the "need" for publishing my thoughts.
• I am very judgmental of myself and constantly engaged in an inner struggle- I am never satisfied with the now.  Instead, I am always looking to the future: to have new experiences, to become better than I am now and to achieve more than I have before.  These are my best and worst qualities. 
• I don't like the idea of having random creepers on the internet read about my intimate thoughts and feelings.  I also don't like the idea of current/future employers being able to read about my personal struggles and weaknesses because I don't want to jeopardize future job opportunities or have them lose confidence in my abilities at work based on my personal experiences and struggles.  At the same time, I want to just put myself out there weaknesses and all and have others accept me and believe in me regardless.  As far as the creepers go, as long as they don't stalk me I'll be happy.

• I write because the process of writing helps me clarify my thoughts and deal with my emotions.  It helps me reflect on my experiences and gives me renewed conviction to keep trying, keep doing, keep being better and stronger.  It's like a therapist in a way.
• I also write because it's a challenge- It helps me practice being brave and decisive; it helps me solidify my values, beliefs, self-esteem and self confidence.
• I write because I want to become a better writer.  I want to be a genuine, honest writer that is able to share my experiences with others without fear and in turn, expand my ideas and perceptions of the world.  
• I want to be inspirational and provocative. I still am not sure why I feel the need to have "readers."
• I like writing.  It makes me feel present and alive.

And this is why I write.  Or I don't.